Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I need a few good insults.

On Friday night, my soccer club (the one in which I coach) is having a fund raising carnival. For a second year in a row, I will be sitting in the dunk tank for a good 20-30 minutes.

I need some good heckling. I plan on going with the cliched "Nice throw ma'am, does your husband want to try?" But, I need some cracks that are more original.

Difficulty level: Must be clean enough to use around 6 year olds.

This was me last year:


  1. Clean eh? Hmmmm, let me see. Aaaahhhh, nupe can't use that.

    Sorry Steve, I nothin'.

  2. Wow, it doesn't seem like very long ago that you were on JS, asking for insults to dole out.


    "It's nice to see that your motor skills are returning, Mr. Hawking! That physical therapy is bound to pay off eventually!"

  3. Lets see, you're in the south so...

    Any guy with hair that is past his ears, you could call a hippie.

    Rednecks hate hippies. Its a known fact.

  4. All I got is yeehaa-baitin'. You throw like a Democrat, you throw like it's an undeniable scientific fact we're descended from apes, your mother watches PBS, that sort of thing.

  5. If you see some goth kids you could make cracks about vampires being out in the sunlight? I dono, that might be a little lame. Maybe some g-rated yo-mama jokes?

    Actually, i'm not very good with insults.

    If there are a lot of rednecks around, stick with hippie cracks. If they have a good sense of humor, they'll probably just flash a peace sign and laugh as they wonder off. If they're a true redneck, they'll probably dunk you a couple times.

  6. The ‘suitable for six-year-olds’ creates a bit of a problem. You could just go for something more farcical, such as throwing up your arms across your face and as someone is taking aim at the target, and screaming “Not in the face! Please, not in the face!”

  7. Call them all "girly men" in an Austrian accent. That always gets a laugh.

    If it doesn't, just scream "pussy" at the top of your lungs. Be that guy...its always fun.

  8. Simon, the last time that phrase was ever used, Dom DeLuise was punched in the nuts. thanks. I don't want to rely on that screen holding up.

    Claire, this is suburban Atlanta, not a whole lot of rednecks around, although it's in fashion so I could call a bunch of kids hippies. Not sure if they'd get it though.

    Amanda, since JS deleted, so did all the ideas from a year ago, so I'm casting the line out again for ideas. I like yours, but young kids might not get it, and with my luck, I get the one kid whose dad is dying from ALS.

    I should've known the Aussies wouldn't have had anything clean.

  9. Kooona....I kahn doo an Austrian aksent. I kahn sount fery Oesterreichen.

  10. Yell out to every guy, "good to see that you brought your wife and my kids!".

    Kudos to Rod Marsh

  11. Would it be lame if I told every one of my players (who will all be there trying to dunk me), "good thing I'm your soccer coach and not your softball coach, or I'd be VERY EMBARRASSED!"?

  12. "Jim Abbott had a better right arm than you."

    Of course you will need to make sure that it is a right-handed person throwing when you say this.

    This is effective to people around our age but not offensive to kids since they will not even know who he is.

  13. You call that a thrown my granny throws better than you.

    No wonder you never made the baseball team with a throw like a girl.

    I just can't think of anything that's not an insult above a six year olds intellect!

  14. I LOVE Amanda's idea, though yeah, I doubt the kids would get it, lol.

    "What's the matter, afraid you'll break a nail?"

    "I've seen better arms on a chair."

    "I knew I could have worn my good suit for this."

  15. yeah.. i got nothing. nothing clean. i'm forever in trouble when i go home because i forget kids aren't little midget adults and continue to curse like a sailor in front of them. oh well. they'll learn it somewhere..what's better than family?

    good luck. let us know what you end up using..

  16. Steve, please refer to my response over at Abe Frellman's re Belinda Neal.
    Also you could channel Havock.
    "MAN UP aND throw EM LIKE ya gOT A pair."
    "You CANT THROW COS you're a BIG BLOUSE"

  17. Your throws are about as effective as shooting down an F-16 with a slingshot!

    Only your Mum would call you an athlete.

  18. I will be using all 3 of Lunamors.

    I would use Amanda's suggestion of Stephen Hawking, but that might require alcohol.

    Natalie, your 2nd one is absolute golden, I can use that on any adult. I could use it on kids, but it might make some cry, or their parents very angry. All of the kids I coach would think it funny, as would their parents.

  19. So I guess any references to drumming for Def Leppard would also be out?

  20. Hmmm....that could be interesting. "You stink at throwing softballs, but you might have a potential career as a drummer in a rock band from Sheffield England!"

  21. hahaha! classic, ian!

  22. Didn't we go through this last year? You really should keep your insults on file!

  23. I had them on file. Unfortunately, that file was safe and sound at until the whole thing went tits-up in December.

    I still have the entry in the archives, but the comments are gone.

    The insults provided above were very helpful, I used 5 good ones in a solid rotation.

  24. Oh hell yes I did. It would've saved a lot of time had I simply stayed in the tub of water. But, I got an amazing upper body workout lifting myself out of the water.