Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I rushed home last night from work to change into soccer gear, grab Thing 1, and head off to the soccer field where I coach her team. On the way down the driveway, I noticed a Coke can in the small garden that we have around our mailbox. Kind of already knowing the answer, I asked Thing 1 if she knew how it got there.

T1: Chelsea left it there. (Chelsea is the eldest of three girls who live across the street.....whose name should also be Bumpus, as they also need to live far in the country, with no neighbors).

Me: Did you ask her to throw it in the garbage?

T1: Yes, but she wouldn't do it.

Me: Would it embarrass you if I took the Coke can tomorrow morning to the bus stop and handed it to her and made her throw it away when she got to school?

T1: Nope.

Me: OK, consider it done then.

I left the can there, planning on picking it up this morning and handing it to this littering bumpkin, but my wife saw it last night and threw it away. However, a point still needed to be made, as this was not the first time they have left garbage in my front yard. Her sister left a can of Dr. Pepper there a few weeks ago. I knew it was her, because I saw that she had opened the top very slightly and was sipping it through the crack, and squeezing the can as she went. A can with this exact description was later found in my yard.

This morning, I walked across the street to where the bus stop is, and called for Chelsea.

Me: Did you leave an empty Coke can in my garden?

Chelsea: (obviously thinking quickly) *shakes head no*

Me: Everyone saw you leave it there (by everyone, I mean she was ratted out by my daughter)
Chelsea: Continues shaking head no.

Chelsea's sister: Yeah, I saw you leave it there last night, don't tell no lies, Chelsea! (I do believe that thump you heard was the bus running over Chelsea...both axels).

Me: If you have garbage, I have garbage cans, toss it out there. Otherwise, next time you or your sisters leave trash in my front yard, I'm carrying it across the street and leaving it in your front yard, and then I'm telling your parents why it's there. Understand?

All three sisters nodded their understanding.

I relish the day when I get to walk across the street, hand their white trash mom a bag of garbage, and tell her, "I believe this belongs to you, your daughters left it in my yard."


  1. you really should move somewhere more civilized like okc. :-)

  2. As opposed to somewhere like the UK. You’d expect to get a broken bottle in the face if you tried that one here… well, in the more uncivilised parts anyway. And from the parents of course, not the kids.

  3. you SHOULD move! to a place a little less whiskey tango-ish!

  4. Simon, these people are Chavs, with a southern accent.

    Snow, I guess that rules out anywhere in Oklahoma.

  5. Oh steve if you had neighbors like that well the tornado would sweep them away or they would be busted for making meth.
    you should just go to a decent neighborhood or get an association to make them take down that porch (however association dues suck)

  6. This is a different family then the ones with the porch, if you can believe it.

  7. You need to pay the garbage men to dump the contents of what they picked up that day on their garden as a payback!

  8. Having seen my garbage men, I bet they'd do it for a case of Schaeffer Light.

  9. Don't move! I want to hear the story when you actually get to return the garbage!

  10. Update: The little fucking littering whore Chelsea (yes, I realize she's only 10 or 11) is now being a bitch to Thing 1 and calling her names, because she "done got yelled at by Thang 1's daddy."

    I think it's time to teach Thing 1 monkey ninja kung fu.

    Or, how to write swear words on grass using gasoline.

  11. This is your chance to call the FBI and tell them you suspect that your neighbours have been sheltering Jason Derek Brown.

  12. I am waiting for when one of the kids sits on your front fence, you pick 'em up by the scruff of the neck, carry 'em across the street and ask their Mum to stop leaving her trash on your front fence.

  13. I think I lived next to this bunch where I grew up in NW Illinois. Must be a Federal law allocating a tribe like this to every town in the US. I don't envy you, man.

  14. Tony, you just offered a better idea than Therbs.

    YD, what's worse, spreading out the stupid, or plopping it all in one Mississippi?

  15. Illegitimate or no, you shouldn't put prom night babies in a trash bag and give it to a neighbor. That's just stooping to their level, Steve.

    If I believed in hell, I'd so be going there.

    Pardon me...I slept for a total of about 15 minutes last night.

  16. not a lot in this life incenses me more than litterbugs.... and as you well know... i get incensed by a lot

  17. "done got yelled at"?? geezus christ.. you DO live in GA! and you make fun of OK?

  18. Well, OK DOES have OU, I think they bring it on themselves.