Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dear Neighbor Girl: Update

Many of you read my Open Letter to the Neighbor Girl, who enjoys throwing down with a houseful of guests, drinking shitty beer, and going “Woooo”, and “Fuck” at 2AM.

The lifeguard at our pool, a nice guy of about 19, knows her. And does what he can to stay away from her. Apparently Drunk with Partly Slutty is the way she lives her life.

Also, she just finished high school. She did not, as I thought, just finish her first year of college, she just finished her senior year in high school.

You might be wondering, “So Steve, what does this mean?” Well in my twisted sense of morals, what this means is the next time her dad is out of town and she’s getting shitfaced on Natural Light and being loud and obnoxious at 2AM, her dad is getting a phone call. Her dad will be told to “listen to this,” and he will hear her party from up close (I’ll be standing outside their windows). And, her dad will be given a choice. Shut the party down immediately, or the police will do it.

I guess, knowing she’s not just underage but high school underage changes things for me.


  1. That's a fair response. I get the distinction - even if still underage, a year of college is at least another year of growing up and maturing... theoretically at least! Straight out of school she's a child.

    That said the end-of-high-school parties we had were absolutely thermonuclear. Admittedly the drinking age is much closer to the end-of-high-school age in Aust and NZ.

  2. Call the cops at the outset. That way the cops call dad. you'd get to watch the kid getting busted by the cops at night and busted by her parents when they get home.... it's a 2 for 1 deal

  3. I don't blame you. I would do the same thing. Why should you have to put up with that, especially the trash on your lawn stuff?

  4. Oy. I think I lived next to that bunch one time.

  5. But you'll sleep with her first right?

  6. Yobbo, I don't have a problem with the drinking that much. It's the wild party in a quiet suburban setting on a weeknight, at 2AM. I've given her 2 passes, the third time I'm torpedoing her party, one shot below the waterline.

    Uamada, there would be a certain pleasure in seeing the cops show up at the door.

    Knifeboy, I wasn't furious about the trash, because I took pleasure in throwing it back. Next time, I'm using it to incriminate her. Showing it to her dad and saying "I think this came from your party." "Oh? What party?"

    YD, haven't we all?

    Lermontov, let's put it this way...the 19 year old horndog lifeguard wouldn't touch her with your dick. You think I would? Besides, 18 year old girls have so little to offer, besides, lips that touch cheap beer shall not touch mine.

  7. I hope you nail her for suburbanite's everywhere who put up with teen-ager bullshit on the daily.

    I lay awake some nights fantasizing about breaking into the neighbor boy's 4X4 Ranger, ripping out his "Bass Box" and leaving him a note that says "Everyone hates you and you should probably kill yourself."

  8. Heidi, I knew of a guy (a friend of a friend) who retaliated against someone as annoying as your neighbor. It involved a jar of his own, umm, "waste," which he allowed to sit in the hot sun, fermenting for a week, and then poured it into the vent between the hood and the windshield.

    I'm not advocating such measures, but it's something to think about if you ever get truly desperate.

  9. My God it's brilliant in it's simplicity. I can picture the print ad.....

    "Vent Gravy! Now for Mother in laws!"