Friday, May 29, 2009

Dear Neighbor Girl,

I realize you are 18 or 19, and in your eyes an adult. I realize your dad is out of town, and having just finished your freshman year at the local state university, you want to blow off steam. I also realize that you definie blowing off steam as "drinking copious amounts of cheap macrobrew beer," using the word "fuck," every other word, and using the official Drunk Girl Mating Call ("WOOOOOO!") constantly throughout the night, with about 2-15 of your closest friends.

However, I would like to offer the following suggestions:

* When this social gathering is taking place, please understand that while you do not have school on the following Tuesday morning, the folks next door might very well have to work (I say "might," because there IS a chance they are unemployed, but you don't know that do you?) that morning.
* Because of this, having this party until 2:30AM in the back sunroom of your (dad's) house with the windows open might not be the best way to generate goodwill with your (dad's) neighbors.

I do appreciate the fact that unlike your last part, I did not have to throw cans of Natural Light from my front yard into your (dad's) front yard. Unfortunately, when my 10 year old daughter comes into my room at midnight complaining that she can't sleep because you are having a party, that doesn't make it better. If anything, tossing empty beer cans into your (dad's) front yard is kind of fun in comparison.

I know for a fact that your dad is a born-again Christian. This is not to suggest he doesn't enjoy having fun, I know he likes the occasional decent beer, and while he's kind of a goober, I know he likes to kick back and have fun. However, I'm reasonably certain if he's not the kind of guy that will decorate the house for Halloween due to the un-Christian atmosphere of that day, he probably wouldn't like his daughter walking around his house, beer in hand, yelling things like "Woooo!" and "Fuck that fucking shit!" with 2-15 of her closest friends.

So, please know this....I once tolerated your Natural Light cans in my front yard, because it gave me satisfaction throwing them back, especially if you missed them and your dad came home and saw them. I again tolerated your loud party through your open windows, because I remember (amazingly) what it was like to end the first year in college and celebrate both the success, and access to alcohol. However, the next time I am up until 2AM on either a weekend or a weeknight because I'm hearing "Wooo!" all night long, one of the following (or a combination of the following) will happen:

* You will see a crazed Suburbanite male, possibly in boxers and sneakers, outside your house with a boom box playing German Biergarten Musik, with the volume on ELEVEN.
* Any empty containers left in my yard will be held by me, removing your opportunity to do early morning cleanup, until you are gone and your dad is home, at which point I will stack these containers in a pyramid shape on the railing of your front porch. If no containers are in my lawn, I will get them from your garbage can. If I have to, I will use my own from MY recycling can and totally frame your ass.
* Your dad, whose cell phone number is programmed into my phone, will receive a phone call from me at 2AM at which point I will say, "hey Rick, are you home? No? Then who are these people?" And I will either send him a camera phone pic of your party, or simply hold the phone up to his house so he can hear you yell, "Woooo! FUCK!" I might even lie and say, "Rick, your daughter is running around your backyard shirtless while all the boys at the party are yelling "Go Chelsea! Go Chelsea! Go Chelsea!" Or, even better, tell him one of those portable stripper poles is set up in his sunroom, and you apparently have amazing leg muscles.

Hopefully we are both in accord on this issue, and there will be no further transgressions.

Warmest Regards,



  1. or tell him that the girls gone wild bus is at his house and you over heard one say man this is the wildest girl yet a 10 guy train!
    i am sorry.. also you could just call the cops

  2. DrewC, like the girls gone wild bus. maybe we could fake it with a van and cheap video camera. WOOO, FUCK yeah.
    Steve, don't call the cops, your plan has real merit.

  3. But does Neighbor Girl read your blog? Maybe you need to go all Martin Luther and nail this to her door so she has a chance to succeed.


  4. May be you could wait till the dad comes home and using a pair of panties bought specially, you could say to the dad "I found these in my backyard - are they your daughters?"

  5. You just reminded me of perhaps the only benefit of living in the country - no neighbors.

  6. So you've got a 19yo chick and a dozen or so of her friends getting drunk next door?! When can I visit?

  7. uamada's idea has merit, only add a dozen Trojans dipped in mayo to the panty exhibit.

  8. Raej, this girl is a Southern Baptist, you seriously think she ever received an education where she would've learned who Martin Luther was, or the significance of your suggestion? She probably thinks the Flintstones was biographical. Oh, and she probably only does MySpace and Facebook.

    MM, then again, this is one of the benefits of HAVING neighbors. Life without neighbors would be boring, and give me nothing to bitch about.

  9. Lerm likes having neighbors, too.

  10. Exactly....without neighbors, Lermontov would be having probably only half the amount of sex he would be having, if he lived in the Outback. Well, maybe not, there are sheep I suppose.

  11. I'd subcontract Officer Lerm to solve this small issue once and for all I think.

  12. But then I would be woken up by the sound of a crying baby....with excellent hair.