Thursday, March 26, 2009

Heroes

Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and in all professions.

This week, heroes are a bunch of guys who get paid to use explosives for a living, being dropped to the Missouri River via helicopter, to blow up ice floes that are basically damming up the river and flooding large parts of North Dakota. Read about it here:

http://www.kxmb.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=349971

Right now, hundreds of thousands of rednecks throughout the Upper Midwest are saying, "Oh ja, how do I get dat dere job? You betcha I can too blow up dem dere ice floes. I'd be like dem Duke Boys, with my bow and arrow and dem high explosive tips and I'd shoot dem arrows into the ice and blow dem tings to Kingdom Come." (In other news, Kona is probably tying C4 explosives to his arrows as I write this).

And in related news, this is the news team from this TV station, KXMB in North Dakota.


They seem to cover all the demographics. You have the Cougar. The MILF (who looks a tad like Marge Helgenberger from CSI). Then there's Goofy Bastard Who Never Got The Memo That Nobody Wears The Caesar Haircut Anymore (news doesn't travel as fast to ND, as you can see from his haircut reminiscent of the heyday of N*Synch). And then there's the woman who could easily be a stripper. But not in North Dakota, judging by her full set of teeth. Definitely Minneapolis, probably even Dallas. And her name is Amber Schatz. For her sake, I hope she pronounces it "Shots" (which would be the correct German pronunciation). If it's "Shats," well...sorry, that's just too easy and I consider myself a pro. And finally, we have cute-as-a-button Sarah Gustin, who is probably asked out daily by GBWNGTMTNWTCHA (AKA Brad Feldman) and she politely declines, and then goes home, changes clothes and makeup, puts on a disguise, and becomes an internet porn star, probably named "Sierra Gusty".

The really cool thing about small-market TV news is that the anchors haven't lost their regional accents yet, so chances are these reporters all sound like extras in "Grumpy Old Men" or "Fargo."

In closing, I'd like to suggest that tonight we all go home and raise a glass to the guys who are being paid to blow ice floes up. God bless them, and if only that were us. Cause that would be awesome.

16 comments:

  1. I have known a couple of local news people before and I used to work with some, albeit briefly, and it is always funny to see them as real people. It's kind of like running into the teacher at the grocery store when we were kids. Last year I heard the co-anchors of our local news have a discussion about who Flavor Flav was going to send home that week.

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  2. I would think Flavor Flav is huge news in Shreveport.

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  3. That is the ugliest bunch of news people I have ever seen. And I'm from Oklahoma. And I don't agree with the Dallas stripper comment.. Dallas strippers are HOT. Maybe at a dive strip club she'd fit in.. but not the good clubs.

    The thought of Kona strapping C4 to his arrows is fucking funny..

    They blow up stuff here all the time to alleviate avalanche danger..

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  4. I disagree, I think Dallas strippers only SEEM hot in comparison to their Texas surroundings. And the only people that go to Dallas are from such miserable locations themselves (Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Wichita, Shreveport) that Dallas Strippers appear hot in comparison to the places they came from.

    But we are in agreement, Sarah Gustin could pass for an internet porn star?

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  5. Yah. Youze guyz laugh now...

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  6. not any porn I'd watch.. unless all i saw was her ass as a cock was stuffed in it..

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  7. Yeah, like you're that picky with your porn.

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  8. They look like they're all related... is that how they do it there?

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  9. Much like blue-blood New England, the Upper Midwest (Yes, Yoopers, I'm talking to you too) are HUGE on inbreeding.

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  10. Tis true Steve. I got a signing bonus when I moved up here from NC. They wanted to deepen the gene pool.

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  11. Always find it amusing to discover newsreaders actually have legs, and backs of heads.

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  12. What's bad haircut dude's hands upto in that photo? It might explain Amber's slightly strained look on her face!

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  13. I'd be more than happy to sample some of Sarah's home videos. She has that look about her. The explosive gig sounds like it would be fun for about a minute!

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  14. I think we hired that Sierra Gusty in Apt. 7 once...rings a bell...

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  15. i really feel like ND is somewhere i HAVE to visit now

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