This past school year, my younger daughter (Thing 2) took a dance class offered one day a week after school (she was in a 3-year old classroom at her preschool). It was a 45 minute class, and she learned a little ballet and a little tap. The class was taught by a woman who specialized in teaching these classes at preschools in the area, and gave a cut of her fee back to the school. Halfway through the school year, that teacher moved out of the area due to her husband being transferred, so a large local dance school picked up these classes (at the same price thankfully) and the owner of the school came to teach my daughter’s class.
This Saturday was her recital. They did a little ballet number, that was about as good as what you’d expect for kids that age. Some of the kids, like Thing 2, were 4, but there were a few that were in the 2 year old class this year, so they were 2 or 3 (their moms, thinking their kids were excellent dancers already, pushed the school to allow them to dance a year up…which of course totally screwed up the class dynamic, as half the kids could pay attention and do the moves, the other half had the attention span of a kitten).
One of the moms who thought her daughter’s poop doesn’t stink, of course, was quite flustered to find her precious little snowflake in the back row (the teacher put the kids who could do the performance in the front). This mom did nothing but bitch and complain all year long, about everything from the dance class, to her daughter catching cold and flu from the school, to everything in between. It was very funny to see the program (full color, which we had to pay $5 to get), with Thing 2’s name in there, and her last name was screwed up…..they left the second half of her last name off (it’s a 3-syllable name, they only got the first 2). Well, that wasn’t so funny, what WAS funny was that our complete last name was transposed onto the girl with the annoying mother, so instead of it being “Alex Whatever,” it said “Alex Same Last Name As Steve.” That actually made it worth it. Sure, we got robbed, but this woman got even more burned. Sucker.
The theme of the recital was 80’s music, so there was a lot of neon, lots of dancing to Michael Jackson, Madonna, and other 80’s hits. The intro was a compilation of different 80’s songs, the bulk of which were right off the soundtrack for “Flashdance,” that was performed by some of the older students, most of whom were probably born between 1991 and 1997. So, it’s safe to say that most of those kids have no clue what “Flashdance” was about. However, I can assure you every parent in the audience whose daughter was NOT part of that ensemble turned to the person next to them and said, “hey, isn’t this from a movie about a stripper?”
Or was that just me?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Revenge of the Nerds, 25 Years Later
I remember loving the movie “Revenge of the Nerds.” It wasn’t one of those movies I quoted with friends all the time, unlike “Better Off Dead” (4 weeks, 20 papers, that’s 2 dollars), “A Christmas Story” (I shot my eye out) or more recently, “Office Space,” (Lumbergh’s gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it). But, it was a funny movie regardless. My brother and I spent a lot of our childhood playfully poking fun at our father with the line, “I got the ol’ cruise control set at 35!”
On Friday night, I had a slight touch of insomnia (translated: I poured a beer very late, and stayed up to slowly drink it and for lack of anything better to do), and while channel surfing I found “Revenge of the Nerds” on G4, on their “Movies That Don’t Suck” promotion. G4 is apparently toned down for network TV (despite having a show whose premise seems to be “Hot girls that do disgusting things on video, while professional comedians comment on them”), so Revenge of the Nerds seemed to be edited. I have to be really honest here, it’s not quite the same movie without Booger going, “We’ve got bush! WE’VE GOT BUSH!” And they show you the subject of Booger’s exultations. Or, when Stan Gable wipes whipped cream off a plate and exclaims, “That’s MY pie!” Oh, and Louis Skolnick banging the hot cheerleader on The Moonwalk in the funhouse. All of that was cut. So, what we ended up with was basically an entire movie with what appeared to be rampant sexual tension between Louis and Gilbert, and gay jokes at Lamar’s expense, and fart/burp jokes at Booger’s. It’s been since I was probably a teenager (pre-1990) that I last saw this movie, but I clearly remember it being better (meaning, it had a decent amount of nudity).
But there was one scene which was not cut (which probably should have, if they also cut out Louis telling Betty, “jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex) was the talent show at the end. The members of Rho Rho Rho fraternity were doing a skit where they were in a rowboat and singing “Row Row Row Your Boat.” At the end, 3 girls sat up in the boat and sang the “Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream” part. At the end of that line, all 3 girls wiped their chins. How I missed that when I was 14, 15, 16, I’ll never know, but it instantly made that one scene a hell of a lot funnier. That scene went from “hey, those girls might be giving head to the Rho’s,” to “holy shit, those girls just implied they got facials from the Rho’s”. I have to give the director some credit for that, and the censors for being as stupid as I was 20 years ago when I missed it.
I’m sure there are other movies out there that were very different when watched as adults, versus when you first saw them as kids, so feel free to discuss. Or, music for that matter (take as an example, the woman in her mid-40’s who found out….from me, last year…..that Freddie Mercury was very gay, hence the name Queen, and that “Lola” was about a tranny).
On Friday night, I had a slight touch of insomnia (translated: I poured a beer very late, and stayed up to slowly drink it and for lack of anything better to do), and while channel surfing I found “Revenge of the Nerds” on G4, on their “Movies That Don’t Suck” promotion. G4 is apparently toned down for network TV (despite having a show whose premise seems to be “Hot girls that do disgusting things on video, while professional comedians comment on them”), so Revenge of the Nerds seemed to be edited. I have to be really honest here, it’s not quite the same movie without Booger going, “We’ve got bush! WE’VE GOT BUSH!” And they show you the subject of Booger’s exultations. Or, when Stan Gable wipes whipped cream off a plate and exclaims, “That’s MY pie!” Oh, and Louis Skolnick banging the hot cheerleader on The Moonwalk in the funhouse. All of that was cut. So, what we ended up with was basically an entire movie with what appeared to be rampant sexual tension between Louis and Gilbert, and gay jokes at Lamar’s expense, and fart/burp jokes at Booger’s. It’s been since I was probably a teenager (pre-1990) that I last saw this movie, but I clearly remember it being better (meaning, it had a decent amount of nudity).
But there was one scene which was not cut (which probably should have, if they also cut out Louis telling Betty, “jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex) was the talent show at the end. The members of Rho Rho Rho fraternity were doing a skit where they were in a rowboat and singing “Row Row Row Your Boat.” At the end, 3 girls sat up in the boat and sang the “Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream” part. At the end of that line, all 3 girls wiped their chins. How I missed that when I was 14, 15, 16, I’ll never know, but it instantly made that one scene a hell of a lot funnier. That scene went from “hey, those girls might be giving head to the Rho’s,” to “holy shit, those girls just implied they got facials from the Rho’s”. I have to give the director some credit for that, and the censors for being as stupid as I was 20 years ago when I missed it.
I’m sure there are other movies out there that were very different when watched as adults, versus when you first saw them as kids, so feel free to discuss. Or, music for that matter (take as an example, the woman in her mid-40’s who found out….from me, last year…..that Freddie Mercury was very gay, hence the name Queen, and that “Lola” was about a tranny).
Friday, June 5, 2009
Karma Police
This entry is not about my love for Radiohead (to be honest, I'm not really a fan, and by that I mean I change the station when one of their songs comes on the radio).
This is about a commuter (big surprise, eh?). A guy was absolutely riding my ass in a 25mph zone on the way to work today, through downtown Kennesaw GA, which is a business area.
I had to make a left-hand turn at one point, but where I was, the left-hand turn lane had not yet started. Basically, double-yellow lines, thus it's a no-no to cross them. The left-turn lane was maybe 50 yards ahead. Unfortunately, it was inaccessible due to the traffic trying to get through that particular light, until it turned green and cars were able to inch up.
The guy riding my ass (who had a rather large handicapped parking permit hanging from his rearview mirror) lost patience and crossed the double-yellow and drove up to the left-turn lane. This kind of pissed me off, because I needed to make that left as well, so now this assclown who by all rights should have still been behind me was now in front of me, all because I was following traffic rules, and he was being a dick.
However, unbeknownst to him, there was a cop sitting in the parking lot of the cheese cake bakery just to our right. How he did notice this I have no idea, because the cop was all of about 20 feet from us, watching traffic and drinking coffee. The cop pulled up to the driveway that let out onto the road (traffic was moving, so I let him in front of me), and he pulled up, crossed the double-yellow, and pulled in behind the impatient disabled man and hit his blue lights.
The road the guy was turning onto goes over a set of railroad tracks, and at that point a train came through, putting a red light on the left turn lane. So, I stayed in the lane I was in to go down to a later point where I could cross the tracks instead of using this intersection and getting caught by the train. The guy had nowhere to go, so the cop got out right there to write him a ticket. So there I drove, straight, while passing the impatient disabled man who was going to get a ticket for being a douchebag. My window was down. As I passed him, I am not ashamed to admit, I gave him the "You're #1" sign and said, "Hahhh, fuuuuckerrrrr!"
This is about a commuter (big surprise, eh?). A guy was absolutely riding my ass in a 25mph zone on the way to work today, through downtown Kennesaw GA, which is a business area.
I had to make a left-hand turn at one point, but where I was, the left-hand turn lane had not yet started. Basically, double-yellow lines, thus it's a no-no to cross them. The left-turn lane was maybe 50 yards ahead. Unfortunately, it was inaccessible due to the traffic trying to get through that particular light, until it turned green and cars were able to inch up.
The guy riding my ass (who had a rather large handicapped parking permit hanging from his rearview mirror) lost patience and crossed the double-yellow and drove up to the left-turn lane. This kind of pissed me off, because I needed to make that left as well, so now this assclown who by all rights should have still been behind me was now in front of me, all because I was following traffic rules, and he was being a dick.
However, unbeknownst to him, there was a cop sitting in the parking lot of the cheese cake bakery just to our right. How he did notice this I have no idea, because the cop was all of about 20 feet from us, watching traffic and drinking coffee. The cop pulled up to the driveway that let out onto the road (traffic was moving, so I let him in front of me), and he pulled up, crossed the double-yellow, and pulled in behind the impatient disabled man and hit his blue lights.
The road the guy was turning onto goes over a set of railroad tracks, and at that point a train came through, putting a red light on the left turn lane. So, I stayed in the lane I was in to go down to a later point where I could cross the tracks instead of using this intersection and getting caught by the train. The guy had nowhere to go, so the cop got out right there to write him a ticket. So there I drove, straight, while passing the impatient disabled man who was going to get a ticket for being a douchebag. My window was down. As I passed him, I am not ashamed to admit, I gave him the "You're #1" sign and said, "Hahhh, fuuuuckerrrrr!"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Commuter of the Day 6/4/2009: Lost Lawyer
This was the vanity plate that stood out today. You can't make it out too well, but the plate says:
CRIMDEF
I'm assuming that means "Criminal Defense."
I'm also assuming he's lost because he waved to the car next to him, made the "roll down your window motion," and then proceeded to gesture all over the place, indicating he needed help finding some place.
Road Trip to Hilton Head, Part 3: Flora and Fauna
The drive down to Hilton Head was the only truly eventful part of our driving around. The rest was spent relaxing, playing mini-golf, spending 6 hours at the beach (no sunburn for me, which I think is unprecedented....I slathered on sunscreen so often, people probably thought I was suffering from OCD). But here are some last thoughts on the trip, related to the title, Flora and Fauna.
Flora:
Hilton Head, unlike other vacation destinations like Myrtle Beach South Carolina and Panama City Beach, Florida (also known as the Redneck Riviera) does not cater to the airbrushed t-shirt, henna tattoo, party crowd. It doesn't have miles of boardwalk where you can entertain kids with complete crap, go-carts, a million mini-golf courses (it has 4 or 5, but not the density that Myrtle Beach has), etc. It's just a peaceful island. And, the best part is, zoning ordinances do not permit massive advertising of businesses, and large businesses are all hidden behind row after row of palmetto trees. I have actually fallen in love with the palmetto, as we were able to drive by multiple Home Depots and Wal-Marts and not even know it, because they were hidden from the road by palmetto trees. The palmetto is in the palm family, but shorter, with thicker trunks, and they don't bend like palms. They are great trees to have around so that your vacation isn't spoiled by views of large orange home improvement stores.
And, one can never understate the wonderful smells in the air from jasmine and magnolia. In New Jersey, you can be a mile from the ocean and know it, because the salt water smell is pervasive. In Hilton Head, you can be the length of a football field from the water, and you don't have that smell of salt filling your nostrils.
Fauna:
Is it odd that I was disappointed that I didn't see one single alligator? Mind you, I would be thinking very differently if I DID see one, I think, but just to see one from maybe 100 yards away, sunning itself on a golf course, would've been cool. When we played mini-golf at night, Thing 1's ball was launched into some short brush near the course. We wacked around the weeds, and then saw them moving on their own, so we decided going for that ball was simply not worth it.
You know you're getting into South Georgia when the dead opossums on the side of the road (the animal with the 2nd lowest will to live in North America) are replaced by dead armadillos (the animal with THE lowest will to live in North America). If you've never seen one, an armadillo is basically an opossum with friggin' armor. They have to be one of the creepiest looking animals out there. Only once have I ever seen a living one, they are usually found dead on the interstate. They come up from Texas and Florida, but their advance seems to have been stopped dead (literally) by I-16 from Savannah to Macon, I-20 from Atlanta to Dallas, and if any get past I-20, then I-40 from Knoxville TN to Little Rock AR takes care of them (surprisingly, they can cross the Arkansas River!). We saw our first dead armadillo 1 mile onto I-16, and then saw dead ones every other mile all the way to Savannah.
Also on I-16, I saw two wild boars....black, with bristly fur. It kind of made me shudder. Without the protection of my car, I know those things would've charged at me. I've seen The Thornbirds, I know what a pissed-off boar can do. It was kind of cool though, I've never seen one in the wild. It kind of felt like the first time I saw a wild bear. Thankfully, he was on the shoreline of a lake, and I was on a boat.
Once on Hilton Head, and at the beach, the only interesting animal I saw was a dead jellyfish, ten feet from our blankets. I brought both my daughters over to it (Thing 1 already knew to stay away). To Thing 2, I said, "you know in Spongebob? When they touch the jellyfish, and they get zapped, and it hurts?" She nodded her head. "That's what'll happen if you touch that, so be sure to stay away from it, OK?" She nodded her head again and went off and played in the water. The jellyfish didn't have its tentacles, so it couldn't have stung, but still, no sense tempting fate. I got sick of looking at it, so I scooped it into a sand bucket and dumped it into the trash can a couple hundred feet away.
Oh, also at the beach, some douchebag found a horseshoe crab swimming in the water and he picked it up and tried to carry it off the beach. The beach patrol blew the whistle, telling him to put it back. Reluctantly, the guy did.
On the way home, we noticed a funny smell in our van. I pointed out that the sand bucket at one time held a dead jellyfish, and currently held dozens of seashells, all of which were the home to a living animal at one point, and likely still had organic matter in them that the seagulls didn't rip out. Hilton Head does not have a lot of decent seashells on the beaches except in the harbor on the eastern end of the island (called Harbor Town). There, the beach is literally covered with them. And I mean covered, you are walking on shells, not sand (it's not a recreational beach). It was basically a mollusk graveyard. Naturally, we were stealing the headstones for our kids' amusement.
On the drive home, we also saw a brown billboard with while letters that said: JOHN 3:16
I think this is South Georgia's way of saying, "Beware of Macon and its Rub N' Tugs filled with male Hispanic masseurs."
Flora:
Hilton Head, unlike other vacation destinations like Myrtle Beach South Carolina and Panama City Beach, Florida (also known as the Redneck Riviera) does not cater to the airbrushed t-shirt, henna tattoo, party crowd. It doesn't have miles of boardwalk where you can entertain kids with complete crap, go-carts, a million mini-golf courses (it has 4 or 5, but not the density that Myrtle Beach has), etc. It's just a peaceful island. And, the best part is, zoning ordinances do not permit massive advertising of businesses, and large businesses are all hidden behind row after row of palmetto trees. I have actually fallen in love with the palmetto, as we were able to drive by multiple Home Depots and Wal-Marts and not even know it, because they were hidden from the road by palmetto trees. The palmetto is in the palm family, but shorter, with thicker trunks, and they don't bend like palms. They are great trees to have around so that your vacation isn't spoiled by views of large orange home improvement stores.
And, one can never understate the wonderful smells in the air from jasmine and magnolia. In New Jersey, you can be a mile from the ocean and know it, because the salt water smell is pervasive. In Hilton Head, you can be the length of a football field from the water, and you don't have that smell of salt filling your nostrils.
Fauna:
Is it odd that I was disappointed that I didn't see one single alligator? Mind you, I would be thinking very differently if I DID see one, I think, but just to see one from maybe 100 yards away, sunning itself on a golf course, would've been cool. When we played mini-golf at night, Thing 1's ball was launched into some short brush near the course. We wacked around the weeds, and then saw them moving on their own, so we decided going for that ball was simply not worth it.
You know you're getting into South Georgia when the dead opossums on the side of the road (the animal with the 2nd lowest will to live in North America) are replaced by dead armadillos (the animal with THE lowest will to live in North America). If you've never seen one, an armadillo is basically an opossum with friggin' armor. They have to be one of the creepiest looking animals out there. Only once have I ever seen a living one, they are usually found dead on the interstate. They come up from Texas and Florida, but their advance seems to have been stopped dead (literally) by I-16 from Savannah to Macon, I-20 from Atlanta to Dallas, and if any get past I-20, then I-40 from Knoxville TN to Little Rock AR takes care of them (surprisingly, they can cross the Arkansas River!). We saw our first dead armadillo 1 mile onto I-16, and then saw dead ones every other mile all the way to Savannah.
Also on I-16, I saw two wild boars....black, with bristly fur. It kind of made me shudder. Without the protection of my car, I know those things would've charged at me. I've seen The Thornbirds, I know what a pissed-off boar can do. It was kind of cool though, I've never seen one in the wild. It kind of felt like the first time I saw a wild bear. Thankfully, he was on the shoreline of a lake, and I was on a boat.
Once on Hilton Head, and at the beach, the only interesting animal I saw was a dead jellyfish, ten feet from our blankets. I brought both my daughters over to it (Thing 1 already knew to stay away). To Thing 2, I said, "you know in Spongebob? When they touch the jellyfish, and they get zapped, and it hurts?" She nodded her head. "That's what'll happen if you touch that, so be sure to stay away from it, OK?" She nodded her head again and went off and played in the water. The jellyfish didn't have its tentacles, so it couldn't have stung, but still, no sense tempting fate. I got sick of looking at it, so I scooped it into a sand bucket and dumped it into the trash can a couple hundred feet away.
Oh, also at the beach, some douchebag found a horseshoe crab swimming in the water and he picked it up and tried to carry it off the beach. The beach patrol blew the whistle, telling him to put it back. Reluctantly, the guy did.
On the way home, we noticed a funny smell in our van. I pointed out that the sand bucket at one time held a dead jellyfish, and currently held dozens of seashells, all of which were the home to a living animal at one point, and likely still had organic matter in them that the seagulls didn't rip out. Hilton Head does not have a lot of decent seashells on the beaches except in the harbor on the eastern end of the island (called Harbor Town). There, the beach is literally covered with them. And I mean covered, you are walking on shells, not sand (it's not a recreational beach). It was basically a mollusk graveyard. Naturally, we were stealing the headstones for our kids' amusement.
On the drive home, we also saw a brown billboard with while letters that said: JOHN 3:16
I think this is South Georgia's way of saying, "Beware of Macon and its Rub N' Tugs filled with male Hispanic masseurs."
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Road Trip to Hilton Head, Part 2: Adult Entertainment
As you can see, the trip started with some interesting reading material…..that being license plates and bumper stickers.
It only improved from there. As we approached Macon, which is about an hour and a half south of Atlanta, we started to see billboards for businesses that obviously cater to truckers…large truck stops (with showers!), strip clubs, and massage parlors (also known as a “Run n’ Tug). Macon is at the junction of I-75 (which goes from Sault Ste. Marie Ontario Canada all the way to south Florida) and I-16, which goes from Macon to Savannah (Savannah is not just a stripper name, it’s one of the largest…and by some accounts the prettiest…city in Georgia). At Savannah, I-16 connects with I-95, which links the entire East Coast, so I-16 is a major corridor to get to Atlanta from Florida. So, Macon is a busy highway juncture with lots of truck traffic.
Approaching Macon on I-75, the first adult business we saw advertised was a strip club. I have no idea what the name of the business was, because the billboard looked like this:
$TRIPPER$
(need we say more?)
Followed by the location at the next exit.
There is absolutely no hidden message there, they want to get their point across quickly and cheaply. It was white text on a black billboard. My guess is, the quality of their advertising perfectly matches the quality of their “talent.”
A couple miles down the road, we saw a billboard for a Rub n’ Tug. It said:
INTERNATIONAL MASSAGE PARLOR
TRUCKER’S RATES
CAUCASIAN, ASIAN, LATINO
Followed by info on their location and a phone number.
For those of you who are multi-lingual, you may have noticed a typo in what I wrote above. Note, this was not a typo. Let me explain. In Spanish, the vowel at the end of a noun is indicative of gender. -o is masculine, -a is feminine. Thus, if you are describing a Hispanic man, you would say “Latino.” A female, on the other hand, would be a “Latina.” If you’re following what I’m saying, then you now know what this business is offering is a “massage” (French for “coughHANDJOBcough”) by either a white chick, an Asian chick, or a dude named Manuel. Yes, the children’s Disney Channel show “Handy Manny” did indeed cross my mind.
Before posting this, I wanted to make sure my Spanish is indeed accurate and I contacted a friend of mine, who is from Mexico. He confirmed that this business did indeed offer the sexual services of a male Hispanic, and he also suggested that if you wanted a Latina masseusse, your best bet would be an Argentinean or Chilean, preferably 20 years old. Otherwise, you could get a Mexican girl for less money but MUCH higher quality in Mexico, but do NOT get a massage from a Mexican girl in the US, because they look like they swam across the Rio Bravo. His words, not mine.
Hopefully reading my journal was a learning experience. You now know that Macon is a great place to get very cheap strippers, and massages from Latinos, and you should never get a massage from Mexican women IN the US. Settle only for Argentineans or Chileans.
It only improved from there. As we approached Macon, which is about an hour and a half south of Atlanta, we started to see billboards for businesses that obviously cater to truckers…large truck stops (with showers!), strip clubs, and massage parlors (also known as a “Run n’ Tug). Macon is at the junction of I-75 (which goes from Sault Ste. Marie Ontario Canada all the way to south Florida) and I-16, which goes from Macon to Savannah (Savannah is not just a stripper name, it’s one of the largest…and by some accounts the prettiest…city in Georgia). At Savannah, I-16 connects with I-95, which links the entire East Coast, so I-16 is a major corridor to get to Atlanta from Florida. So, Macon is a busy highway juncture with lots of truck traffic.
Approaching Macon on I-75, the first adult business we saw advertised was a strip club. I have no idea what the name of the business was, because the billboard looked like this:
$TRIPPER$
(need we say more?)
Followed by the location at the next exit.
There is absolutely no hidden message there, they want to get their point across quickly and cheaply. It was white text on a black billboard. My guess is, the quality of their advertising perfectly matches the quality of their “talent.”
A couple miles down the road, we saw a billboard for a Rub n’ Tug. It said:
INTERNATIONAL MASSAGE PARLOR
TRUCKER’S RATES
CAUCASIAN, ASIAN, LATINO
Followed by info on their location and a phone number.
For those of you who are multi-lingual, you may have noticed a typo in what I wrote above. Note, this was not a typo. Let me explain. In Spanish, the vowel at the end of a noun is indicative of gender. -o is masculine, -a is feminine. Thus, if you are describing a Hispanic man, you would say “Latino.” A female, on the other hand, would be a “Latina.” If you’re following what I’m saying, then you now know what this business is offering is a “massage” (French for “coughHANDJOBcough”) by either a white chick, an Asian chick, or a dude named Manuel. Yes, the children’s Disney Channel show “Handy Manny” did indeed cross my mind.
Before posting this, I wanted to make sure my Spanish is indeed accurate and I contacted a friend of mine, who is from Mexico. He confirmed that this business did indeed offer the sexual services of a male Hispanic, and he also suggested that if you wanted a Latina masseusse, your best bet would be an Argentinean or Chilean, preferably 20 years old. Otherwise, you could get a Mexican girl for less money but MUCH higher quality in Mexico, but do NOT get a massage from a Mexican girl in the US, because they look like they swam across the Rio Bravo. His words, not mine.
Hopefully reading my journal was a learning experience. You now know that Macon is a great place to get very cheap strippers, and massages from Latinos, and you should never get a massage from Mexican women IN the US. Settle only for Argentineans or Chileans.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Road Trip to Hilton Head
This past weekend (Friday morning to be exact), my family and I piled into the Family Truckster and drove southeast to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. Normally, trips to SC frighten me, due to rampant ignorance, the religious fundamentalism, and the weak beer due to arcane beer laws in that state. However, Hilton Head is like this little paradise surrounded by misery, with beautiful beaches, palmetto trees, beautiful scenery, and a relaxed atmosphere. I think if the Nazi death camps looked like Hilton Head, the Nazis wouldn’t have quite the same reputation.
I knew this road trip would be legendary when I wasn’t even out of Atlanta (hell, I hadn’t even entered Atlanta yet, I was still in Cobb County) when I saw a Chrysler Crossfire convertible with the license plate that said: THE DEX. I love this plate. This is how a vanity plate should look. It should tell you something about the driver. A nickname, a job (but never simply what kind of car he/she drives, like CRSSFR). So, THE DEX meets all accepted criteria. Mind you, THE DEX is still a douchebag, but not because of his vanity plate, but simply because of his nickname. “Hey, are you THE DEX?” “You bet your sweet ass I am,” he replies, while giving the wink-and-a-gun. Wait, no…THE DEX is probably a wink-and-a-double-gun kind if guy. Two finger-guns, one wink. While he makes that clicking sound with his mouth.
Upon crossing the Chattahoochee River on Interstate 75, I entered Fulton County and the city of Atlanta. Almost immediately, I was right behind a commuter car with a bumper sticker that said:
“I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.”
Obviously it’s never a good idea to be behind a bitch so angry that the bitch must have a bumper sticker advertising this fact. You want to pass them (preferably with at least one lane between the two cars) and get as far in front as possible, so when they do “go postal,” the carnage is behind you. Otherwise, you’re stuck in traffic while an angry woman is being tased in the middle of the interstate by state troopers. So, I passed this car on the left, and glanced over to see what an Uber-Bitch looks like. Much to my surprise AND amusement, I saw that the driver was no less than a MAN, BABY! That’s right, somewhere in Atlanta there is a man so pussy-whipped that he’s driving his girlfriend’s car with this sticker on it. If you’re scoring on a scale of 1-10, buying your girlfriend’s/wife’s tampons is a 10, and driving this car is about a 90. I have actually purchased tampons before (and not for a college prank either!), and I can honestly say in comparison to riding in the Bitchmobile, I’d rather hitch a ride in a beat-up white panel van with no windows and Buffalo Bill at the steering wheel, telling me to put the lotion on the skin.
This is just one of a 2-parter. There is still more to discuss about this road trip, from bible quotes, to adult entertainment, to flora and fauna (more fauna, actually).
I knew this road trip would be legendary when I wasn’t even out of Atlanta (hell, I hadn’t even entered Atlanta yet, I was still in Cobb County) when I saw a Chrysler Crossfire convertible with the license plate that said: THE DEX. I love this plate. This is how a vanity plate should look. It should tell you something about the driver. A nickname, a job (but never simply what kind of car he/she drives, like CRSSFR). So, THE DEX meets all accepted criteria. Mind you, THE DEX is still a douchebag, but not because of his vanity plate, but simply because of his nickname. “Hey, are you THE DEX?” “You bet your sweet ass I am,” he replies, while giving the wink-and-a-gun. Wait, no…THE DEX is probably a wink-and-a-double-gun kind if guy. Two finger-guns, one wink. While he makes that clicking sound with his mouth.
Upon crossing the Chattahoochee River on Interstate 75, I entered Fulton County and the city of Atlanta. Almost immediately, I was right behind a commuter car with a bumper sticker that said:
“I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.”
Obviously it’s never a good idea to be behind a bitch so angry that the bitch must have a bumper sticker advertising this fact. You want to pass them (preferably with at least one lane between the two cars) and get as far in front as possible, so when they do “go postal,” the carnage is behind you. Otherwise, you’re stuck in traffic while an angry woman is being tased in the middle of the interstate by state troopers. So, I passed this car on the left, and glanced over to see what an Uber-Bitch looks like. Much to my surprise AND amusement, I saw that the driver was no less than a MAN, BABY! That’s right, somewhere in Atlanta there is a man so pussy-whipped that he’s driving his girlfriend’s car with this sticker on it. If you’re scoring on a scale of 1-10, buying your girlfriend’s/wife’s tampons is a 10, and driving this car is about a 90. I have actually purchased tampons before (and not for a college prank either!), and I can honestly say in comparison to riding in the Bitchmobile, I’d rather hitch a ride in a beat-up white panel van with no windows and Buffalo Bill at the steering wheel, telling me to put the lotion on the skin.
This is just one of a 2-parter. There is still more to discuss about this road trip, from bible quotes, to adult entertainment, to flora and fauna (more fauna, actually).
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