I received the following text from my younger brother, E, who lives in Manhattan and can get away with such foolishness in his 30's):
E: Wish me luck, I'm about to participate in a beer pong tournament for charity.
Me: (After first getting over the fact that there are beer pong tournaments for anything other than celebrating the end of a week at college and/or turning a "4" into an "8"): As the mothers of Sparta would say, come back with your shield, or on it.
I heard nothing from him for a while, so I followed up:
Me: So how are you doing? What's the beer? Pabst?
E: This girl never played before and absolutely ran the table. We lost in like six throws. It was absurd. Beer was Blue Moon.
Me: Just like the bitch that plays the NCAA pool for the first time, never seen a basketball game in her life, and wins the pool?
E: Yeah. It was ridiculous.
Well, he at least had a semi-decent beer, normally Beer Pong is played using the cheapest beer possible. So then I discussed strategy.
Me: Did you try heckling? Bringing up her daddy issues?
E: The game was over before I could bring up why she still sleeps with teddy bears.
Me: You need to work faster. Always start with "So do you know your real father?" Or, "Which dead grandmother do you most resemble."
You can bet his next beer pong tournament will be very different. Although, I have to wonder why a 32 year old man is still playing beer pong. Is charity the ultimate goal? Or does calling it a charity legitimize the fact they're still playing a college game?