Saturday, September 26, 2009

5 Weeks. And Counting.

Quite some time ago, I wrote some comments regarding Halloween costumes. Well, they’re actually more like rules. Yes, they’re definitely rules. And I will not negotiate any of them.

Sometime between now and the blessed event, I will post some more specific rules regarding costumes. For now, here’s a good start, so you can start planning ahead.

As you can guess, I’m a bit excited for the arrival of Halloween. Now, I believe it is a holiday that can be shared by all. It’s a time for fun, and letting the hair down. No Satanism, no evil shit, just people having a good time. For everyone to have a good time trick or treating (meaning, for ME to have a good time), here are some simple rules:

1. You better be wearing a costume. I don’t care if you’re a teenager, if you’re at my house grubbing for free candy, you better entertain me. You, as a trick-or-treater, are obligated to put out some effort in order to get the candy reward. Put on a sheet and call yourself a ghost. Paint your face to look like an accident victim. I don’t care, but make the effort. Don’t phone it in. I will still give you candy, because I don’t want my house vandalized, but I have 2 kinds of candy. The good stuff for kids in costumes, and the crappy stuff for kids without costumes. If you are without costume, you will get root beer ringpops, which are foul, or super sour lemon balls, which are inedible.

2. Don’t ask for a different type of candy. You get what you get and you don’t bitch a fit.

3. Don’t fucking touch anything on my yard. I put in some effort to entertain you. If you violate that trust, you are ruining it for everyone.

4. You may come to my house as many times as you want in one night….but you better be wearing a different costume each time. The way I see it, if you are putting that much effort into it, you should be rewarded. Most kids don’t believe me. One kid, last year, called my bluff, and he was rewarded. I like seeing all the creative costumes as much as you enjoy getting free candy, you mooch.

5. Parents…..stick with your kids. It’s a dangerous world. Many of our neighborhoods have sex offenders living there. I know mine does. Please, keep an eye on them, we don’t want to spoil this day.

6. All peanut butter cups are mine. This is not negotiable.

7. Teenagers too cool to trick or treat….while you’re hanging out in the street, impressing your ugly girlfriends, don’t race up and down the streets in your cars, dirt bikes, 4-wheelers, etc. 2 years ago, I called the cops on you. You know I will do it again.

8. Parents…if you are taking kids Trick or treating, please, if it is a 2-parent home, one of you stay home and hand out candy. I consider this Karma. When you are getting candy for free, you should be giving candy for free. When both parents are gone, the house is dark, and it makes it a lousy neighborhood to T or T in. It’s only fair.

9. Kids, be respectful. People are giving you free candy. When we open the door, yell “Trick or Treat!” When we give you candy, say thank you.

10. Have fun. Don’t be jerks, vandalizing stuff, making loud noises, ringing bells a million times. Don’t make fun of other kids’ costumes, they put effort into them for one reason or another. As Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan once said: Be Excellent To Each Other.

Above all else, never, ever forget Rule #6.


  1. Amen, brother! The Ten Commandments of Halloween. Completely and totally correct-I don't like people coming to the door without some effort at a costume. They get the old, rock-hard Tootsie Rolls from 1998.

  2. And the Bears win another not-pretty game! Those Seattle throwback uniforms are embarrassingly ugly. Perhaps Rule 11 in your Halloween commandments ought to be 'You get no candy if you're wearing the nasty green Seahawks throwback jersey'.

  3. That would be a shite costume. 'I've come as Warren Moon.' Bugger off.

  4. Dude, I love it! Hilarious. I too cannot wait for The Great Pumpkin. What will you give me and my weiner dog if we both show up dressed as bananas?

  5. YD, I'm absolutely convinced there was something in the water between 1960 and 1980 that made all of North America colorblind (it wasn't just the US...the Vancouver Canucks also apparently lost their mind in the 70's. Brown, burnt orange and yellow? Really?).

    Dr. Yobbo, I'm waiting for a kid to come to my door dressed as Steve McNair. A posthumous Steve McNair. (Too soon?)

    Heidi, you will get a couple of choice candy bars, and your weiner dog will get a cooked beef hot dog.

  6. I just remembered where I've seen that color before. It's a Popsicle color.

    Clearly the folks in Seattle need more sunshine. They've all gone mental.

  7. Apparently King's Island didn't think it was too soon......

  8. Quote: " quotes Nashville radio host George Plaster as saying, "I don't think the city is going to take it well at all . . . This is a city that prides itself on having some taste and values."

    Are we talking about the same Nashville? Are there two Nashvilles?

  9. I look like I'm 12. can I get candy?

  10. Ha! Two Nashvilles? God does hate us.

  11. One Nashville is sufficient, thank you.

    Re: the green Seahawk retro unie. I had a Plymouth Volare that same putrid green. Plymouth used that shade on some of their lines back then, possibly explaining why they aren't around anymore.

    Is it drying out down there?

  12. No Heidi, if God truly hated us, he'd give us two Philadelphias and two Dallas'. And he'd take away our beer. Can I get an amen?

    YD, agree on the Nashville. I do enjoy the music which they produce, but I think only Memphis and all of Texas can outdo them on "tacky." I don't count "South of the Border" in South Carolina, as it isn't an actual town.

    And it is drying out, all of our soccer fields are finally open. We got them open last Thursday, only to see 2 more inches of rain on Friday and Saturday. I guess Atlanta REALLY needed a bath.

  13. Indy, I don't discriminate. Everyone in costume gets candy. But, I'm warning you, if it's something inappropriate, I'm calling the cops.

    (in other words, leave your Sarah Palin mask at home)

  14. I think I would like, just once, to witness an honest to goodness American halloween. We just don't do it here.