Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Airbrushing True Love

I was in Publix (a large grocery store chain) on Sunday. Needless to say, it was like the grand hall at Ellis Island, packed full of people (many from different nationalities) all due to it being Super Bowl Sunday. I was walking towards the produce aisle, when I passed one of those large endcap displays in the front of the store. Leaning against it was a Latino gentleman who happened to have a very menacing look on his face. The kind of look that would make a lot of white grandmothers cross to the other side of the street. He could've been one of the gang extras in "Stand & Deliver".

(Note, I am not suggesting his Latino background makes him evil, he just had a real pissed-off look on his face....he might've been a very nice guy. I play soccer with a Guatemalan who is the nicest guy on earth, and a devout Christian, but when he frowns his natural facial features make him look VERY angry)

OK, my "I'm not a racist" disclaimer aside.....upon walking past him, I noticed his shirt. It was a plain white t-shirt that was airbrushed. The kind of airbrushing that you normally get in places like Gatlinburg Tennessee, Panama City Beach Florida, Myrtle Beach South Carolina, or on many of the boardwalks on the Jersey Shore. The airbrushing was pink, with lots of pink hearts all over, with one huge heart, and inside this heart was the message, "Monica and Jesus Forever."

My first reaction was to stifle the laugh that immediately rose from my belly. Seeing as how I was looking right at him when I saw the shirt and wanted to laugh, that would not have been very diplomatic.

It then occurred to me that this may be why he had a pissed-off look. Monica was in the ladies room, and Jesus (pronounced Hay-ZOOSS for those non-Spanish speakers) was on "purse patrol" while she was away. And Jesus was none too happy.

And then another thought occurred to me...maybe Jesus fucked up. BIG TIME. Maybe Jesus was seen getting a little too flirty with Monica's best friend/sister/arch-enemy, and this is his penance. This may be what he's having to do to earn Monica's forgiveness. She went out and bought the Monica And Jesus Forever shirt, and made him stand right in front of the Diet Coke display, at the front of the Publix, on Super Bowl Sunday, the busiest grocery store day of the year outside of Thanksgiving, to suffer the opprobrium, the scorn and contempt, of the general public, for his misdeeds against Monica. This could be why Jesus is pissed off. That he is in love, forever apparently, with an evil genius.

28 comments:

  1. No, he was Monica, having just undergone a sex-change operation a few days before, but who wanted to affirm his love of our lord Jesus Christ.

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  2. You know, the reference to Jesus being to Jesus Christ Himself, didn't even occur to me.

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  3. Some people say God's a Christian too, but apparently he still went around smiting people willy nilly. I hope your Guatemalan friend isn't into that, or you might want to start packin' heat on the soccer field.

    My first thought was the shirt was a tribute to a dead chick, who may have been crucified.

    I am so morbid, aren't I?

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  4. No, my friend is a very nice guy, he's just an intense athlete. He's one of the cleanest athletes I know.

    You know, nuns are the brides of Christ, maybe this is a tribute to his sister who entered a convent.

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  5. Is it sad that i'm more interested in the fact that you shop at publix, than I am about the rest of the entry?

    For some reason, I figured all people in Georgia shopped at Piggly Wiggly. I didn't realize Publix was up there too. I knew it was in Alabama, and, of course, Florida is its home state, but Georgia... I had no idea...

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  6. I wonder how poor old Mary is taking this?

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  7. Mary is probably wondering why we keep praying to Jesus, when she clearly named her baby boy Yeshua.

    And I don't know of any Piggly Wiggly's here in GA. In fact, the last one I saw was in Wisconsin. Most people I know shop at Publix or Kroger.

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  8. I think that I've figured it out - the mean looking dude (Jose)is a bodyguard - for Monica Lweinsky - who has recently embraced Jesus to atone for her sins - she forces Jose to where this public sign of her repentance. It wil not be long before he snaps!

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  9. Shop the Pig! Official Grocer of the Green Bay Packers and the Pabst Blue Ribbons (semi pro old school baseball team from the late 70's).

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  10. I prefer to read it as "G-zus"

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  11. I LOVE Publix.....(no snarky Florida comments either, Steve)

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  12. Publix is a proud sponsor of Georgia Youth Soccer, so I too love Publix.

    Floridians sure do seem to love Publix....were you all conceived in the restroom of a Publix or something?

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  13. I can't help but think Publix sounds like a food-stamps only store.

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  14. I imagine in some parts of the Florida Panhandle (aka the Redneck Riviera), that's exactly what it is.

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  15. my first thought was jesus christ..

    but i love your idea of her punishing him with that shirt.. although i would never do that to a guy because if he did anything to deserve anything like that, I'd cut him so fast, you'd miss it if you blinked. this is why single is good..

    publix??? never heard of. pubic hairs is also what I thought of..

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  16. As an ex-Floridian, I can say that Publix is well liked because the only alternative is Winn-Dixie...where the trailer crowd shops.

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  17. So there must be a LOT of Winn-Dixies in Florida, eh?

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  18. 'Florida Panhandle' - I have to go there one day!

    I've only been to Hawaii, California and the North East. But, the redneck Riviera, sounds like the place a Queenslander could really fit in.

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  19. Not sure Lermy, think I've read too many Carl Hiaasen novels to be game to visit the Panhandle.

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  20. The Florida Panhandle (if you aren't sure where that is, do a google search for Panama City Beach, Tallahassee, Pensacola (home of the US Navy OCS program, and the basis for "An Officer and a Gentleman") and Destin. For that matter, you can search for Redneck Riviera too.

    It's a target rich environment for White Trash of all varieties.

    But knowing what I know about Queenslanders, you'd also fit in up in Myrtle Beach South Carolina, Seaside Heights New Jersey, and Ocean City Maryland.

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  21. I will mark them down as must do's for my next trip Stateside. I repose much faith in your judgement Steve!

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  22. I'm with you if you say something like, WaWa, know where you're going with it. But, Publix? Never heard of it.

    If he was being punished, I would suggest getting himself a new chick. She's twisted. If my guy would even consider wearing that shirt, I'd ditch him. What a pussy. And the purse holding? Yeah. I wouldn't make any guy do that, unless he's gay. And even then, my gay friends would steal my lipstick so that's a no-go. ;)

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  23. True story: WaWa makes damn good sub sandwiches. Arguably the best convenience store chain on the planet.

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  24. Sister just moved back to Jersey last month. Nice shitty part, Ringoes. She calls me up at 2am to say this, and I quote: "I moved away for an entire fucking year. A year! I come back and the only thing that's changed in this fucking town is the WaWa. Do we seriously need a bigger WaWa?! Could they not think of something bigger and better to build here?"

    To which I naturally reply: "You can't ever have too much WaWa."

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  25. I LOVE Publix! Best place to flirt with old men. ;)

    Hope Jesus and Monica are okay now.

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  26. MK, people move to Hunterdon County because it does NOT change. Honestly, she should be pissed that they changed the WaWa at all.

    Doanli, she's probably carrying Jesus Jr. in her uterus right now.

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  27. 'she's probably carrying Jesus Jr. in her uterus right now' - Ugh!!!!!!!!!!

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